We are back to the relative normality of school and a regular routine now that the long summer school holidays have come to an end.
For parents, it has probably been lovely spending extra time with their children. For many separated parents, however, feelings are probably mixed, as they’ve also had to navigate the logistical and financial difficulties of sharing care and holidays with co-parents.
It may seem like some time away, but the next long holiday, Christmas, is only about three months away and so, it’s already time to start planning. It is never too early to start, with worries about how and where children will spend the holiday period already in the minds of many separated parents.
Making arrangements early will help to reduce conflict between separated parents, avoiding last minute problems and disagreements, and will also allow you to book time off work and make any necessary travel arrangements. Also, putting your agreed arrangements in writing is always good practice as it helps to prevent misunderstandings.
Your existing parenting arrangements may work well all year round, but when the schools break up in December and routines change, things can get a bit tricky. Even those with well-established arrangements can find it a struggle to work out what should happen over the festive period.
Juliette Dalrymple, family mediator and director at Family Matters, says: “When making your plans, consider any routines and traditions that your children like to follow at Christmas. Maintaining them as far as possible will help things to run smoothly over the festive period and help ensure that everyone has as happy a time as possible.”
There are several well-established plans that seem to work well for separated parents, such as:
- Spending significant days over Christmas with a different parent over alternate years.
- Sharing the important days with the co-parent – such as Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one, and Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day with the other.
- Spending the day together with both parents – if that’s possible.
- Spending one week with each parent so that Christmas is with one parent and New Year with the other. Your children could have two Christmases this way. Not many children will complain about getting two lots of presents and Christmas dinners!
Of course, you do need to make sure that your plans follow any child arrangement orders that the court has put in place, and don’t forget to include grandparents in the arrangements if you can, as well as other family and friends who your children usually like to spend time with at Christmas.
It’s always a good idea to discuss presents with the co-parent – so you don’t end up wasting money and buying the same thing. Don’t try to outdo each other as it can lead to stress and dissatisfaction – both for you and your children.
Juliette says: “It’s never too soon for separated families to start making plans for Christmas. When do the children break up from school? Where will they spend the Christmas holiday period? How will you share care? Where will they spend the important Christmas holiday days? Who do they need to see? What about presents?
“Whilst neither parent has a legal right to see their child at Christmas and neither has priority over the other, you should try your best to try to keep a united front for your children. Christmas is an important time for them and will lead to important memories. If you can make arrangements in good time – and be positive about them, both parents can achieve certainty and peace of mind. It particularly helps older children as they know what to expect over the Christmas break – and enables them to make their own plans with their friends – giving them the best chance of having a happy Christmas break.”
To ensure that your plan is successful, good communication between you and the co-parent and making arrangements in good time, really are the key. If you can, discuss and agree arrangements with the other parent and stick to them as far as possible – this will provide stability for your children. However, have a plan B in place to accommodate any unavoidable changes, such as illness.
Don’t forget, help is available. You don’t have to resort to the court. As accredited family mediators, we are often asked for help by separated parents who cannot agree what will work best for the children during Christmas.
Family Matters can help separated parents work out a plan that fits their unique family circumstances, and our advice is to get in touch soon. Don’t leave it until the last minute.
You can get more ideas about how you can spend a successful Christmas as separated parents on our web page “The twelve days of Christmas for separated families”
If you need help, contact us on 03300 881440 or at admin@familymattersmediate.co.uk to make an appointment, or complete the enquiry form on our website. If you can’t attend our office, we also offer convenient online mediation wherever you are.
