How many times have we heard this from children on the run up to the festive holiday?
Of course they are usually counting down to a break from school, Santa Claus, presents, and a huge celebration with their family. But that isn’t always the case and some children will already be worrying about where they will be, which parent they will share Christmas Day with and starting to feel the stress as they listen to their parents struggle to agree arrangements.
Focus Christmas plans around children’s needs
Children want, and deserve, happy memories of their childhood, and Christmas is one the most important times for those memories to be made. They don’t want to remember being shuffled hurriedly during the day from one place to another, dropped off outside another house, not having time to enjoy their gifts. Or, worse still, being handed Christmas presents from the absent parent at the top of the street on Christmas morning because both parents ‘simply couldn’t see each other’ and weren’t able to make better plans. You can read a senior High Court judge’s unhappy recollections of some of the cases he has seen where parents simply couldn’t agree on arrangements for their children at Christmas here.
Many separated parents will be able to relate with these scenarios, or similar, but there are those who will tell you that it doesn’t have to be like that if you are able to make plans with your ex that are focused around your children’s needs .
Mediation helps to make arrangements to suit you all
Here are Family Matters, we have helped many couples to come up with workable agreements on how they can best share their time with their children at Christmas. Mediation is an excellent route to working out your family arrangements at times such as this. You can openly discuss your own issues with an independent mediator who has lots of experience of dealing with family situations such as yours and can help you find a solution that will work best for your personal circumstances – always with the welfare of your children at the forefront of any arrangements. Of course some cases will need a court intervention if there is high confict or risk, but that only makes up 5% of families.
Whatever solution we help you come up with – it won’t be a ‘one size fits all’. Remember, every child is different, and families work in different ways. Disorganised arrangements, uncertainty and parents who can’t talk to each other may affect one child much more than another, the oldest child is often the one trying to sort out the parents and the younger ones can revert to babyish behavior as one way of getting their parents to pay attention to them and not their arguments. We can discuss making arrangements to:
- Spend Christmas day together – if you can. If you are on good enough terms, and you know your children will be comfortable with it, you could have Christmas dinner with your children, your ex, and your new partners (and any other children that have become part of the family).
- Have 2 ‘Christmases’. Share the whole Christmas holiday rather than just the traditional 3 days of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Consider splitting the 2 week holiday into 2 and having one Christmas at the beginning and one at the end. Remember, children thrive on tradition, and if this were to become a tradition, it could be one that works well for years to come.
- Of course some countries celebrate Christmas on days other than 25th Portugal, and Spain, for example, give presents and have their main Christmas meal on Christmas Eve. Many separated couples in the UK have taken up this tradition so that they can each share Christmas with their children.
- Do different things with your children. Don’t try to compete (that includes buying gifts) – it isn’t what they want. If your children can look forward to sharing time in different ways with each parent, it will be something for them to get excited about, rather than dread!
- Alternate Christmases. This can work – especially if you live far apart, such as in different countries.
- Make the children a priority whilst accommodating a parent’s work schedule at the same time. Some parents simply can’t take time off on the celebratory days, such as those who work in the emergency and health services.
- Arrange Skype or Facetime sessions – or a prerecorded message where it is important that a child sees each parent on Christmas Day.
- Have more than one solution. Plan B is always a good idea – just in case you find it impossible to stick to plan A!
Whatever arrangements you make, communicate with your children, as well as your ex. If they are uncertain as to what is going to happen at Christmas – they will become more anxious. Children adapt well to change, as long as it is properly handled. Make sure they know that Christmas hasn’t ended, just because their parents are no longer together – it’s changed. But give them time to mourn the family and Christmases they have lost and space to be sad.
How can Family Matters help?
Don’t let your children’s Christmas countdown be to uncertainly, disappointment and unhappiness. Start planning now – don’t leave it until 22nd December, by then its too late. Contact us now arrange a meeting in which we can help you to find the best solution for your own individual circumstance. Tell us that you want to make arrangements for Christmas and we will make sure we prioritise your appointment.
You can find out more about mediation on our web pages.
Juliette Dalrymple, Family Matters’ director and mediator.
